Visitation Woes

So, there's a perk--or a positive--if you will, about children having visitation with another parent when you're remarried: time alone with your new spouse. It's sort of like having a long date every other weekend. But, it isn't so nice when it becomes an almost painful experience due to the fact the children do not want to go. My children want more than anything to spend time with their father, they've always looked forward to time with him--as they should. The problem is that their father lives with his parents and though my children love their grandparents very, very much, they just want time with their daddy. The trouble is that grandma and grandpa have kinda gotten the impression that the visitation is for THEM just as much as it is for daddy; not so. So, the children are frustrated becuase the fun grandparents have become something more of "step-parents" complete with lectures, consequences, and whatnot to degrees even more severe than daddy. This is a HUGE issue. I cannot seem to get grandma to understand that the children need their daddy to assure them of things, to give them the feeling of inclusion, the attention they're needing and seeking; grandma insists that they simply need to accept whatever daddy can do--or will do--whichever the case may be. True...this is true, BUT it isn't for HER to say. It's our job as parents to make sure our children feel our dedication to them, it's OUR job as parents to help our children understand the things that impede upon our time together and make a plan that they can count on to show our commitment. Children are little scientists: the proof is in the pudding and talk is cheap--just theories. Anyway, the children are a little torn--a lot torn; they want to go see dad but would rather stay here if they thnk the majority of their visit is going to be about grandma and grandpa rather than daddy.

Yesterday, it became clear that my children's grandparents think this whole visitation is equally about THEM as it is about parent and child. They are becoming hurt and offended with the children expressing a desire to be in DADDY'S focus and to have uninterupted time with ONLY daddy. In their inability to see past their own disappointment in NOT being the end-goal of the children's trek to their home, they--especially grandma--continue to push and talk and scold and lecture and on and on and on...about how dishonest they are in saying they don't get enough time with daddy and how terrible they're being.

Why can't they understand? Is there anyone who doen't know that an actual MOTHER and FATHER are THE MOST important two people in a child's life and that everyone else; including aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents, etc..., pales in comparison? Why must they get angry? How can they not see that these children are craving their daddy and need to be supported? Why not meet the children where they are in their feelings, validate their feelings, and comfort them for their PERCEIVED losses espousing a sense of security and alligience and therefore conceiving a renewed desire to be them? I just don't get what's so dang hard about being an adult and seeing past you're own selfish feelings and do what the children need--they're children. It isn't a child's job to protect an adult's feelings, it's an adults duty to protect the child!

Every other weekend we go through this little song and dance about one or more of the children not wanting to go visit dad...not because they don't want to see dad but because if dad wants/needs to do something, grandma's all too available AND she simply cannot leave well enough alone; I guess she doesn't trust that her son can do a well enough job being a parent so she always has to put her 2 cents in--more like 5 million, but whatever.

This experience is difficult for Mark and I. Each Thursday and Friday of daddy's weekend we have to manuver through several requests not to take them. It's so hard. I don't want to force my children to be with people they don't want to be with. I know their father's family loves them to pieces. I can have some time alone with Mark...but with the knowledge of the love the other half has, the experience of seeing sad, disappointed, frustrated, sometimes angry faces; the only "perk" having my children away for 2 days is dramatically deminished.